I had a birthday yesterday, my 49^th. I’m about to age into a new demographic, and some spam outfit in India knows this. They also know I’m pretty much scared of my own shadow. Over the month leading up to my birthday, they have sent me over fifty pieces of spam to my account. I used to get notices that sexy girls named Gina had just seen my profile and wanted to “sexx with you, Chrisfay” I never had the heart to click on the link and tell Gina that she was barking up the wrong tree. I also never had the heart, or stupidity, to install spyware or malware or whatever would make my trusty laptop an agent of the darknet.

Now I get nothing but emails confirming my sexless nature; these people don’t even have the decency to offer me V1agr a as I am considered so old, so beyond help, that pills won’t even help me get laid. I am not happy that they assume I no longer want to get my wood working and would rather focus on woodworking. I have received three different notices of this:

But the vast majority are fear-based. Your body is dying! Your neighborhood is going downhill! Your loyalty points are expiring!

The thing is I’m scared to talk to people in bars because I can no longer here them. I am clearly only months away from needing an ear horn. Then comes the drool bucket.

Yesterday, I came this close to screaming “Shut up!” off the back deck because some kid kept yelling “Brandon!” down in the ravine behind my sister’s house, where I’m staying. Also, I’ve been noticing my hackles involuntarily raise whenever this one neighbor kid loops his training wheels down the driveway. And now there’s a predator! I can’t help but wonder if everybody got on her street got this email and thinks I’m the predator. I’m a single homosexual of a certain age who likes to take long walks that necessarily take me past the local Catholic school. I can feel daggers.

I now have seven different loyalty cards dangling from my keychain, including ones for chiropractic care and cat food. I don’t have a Walgreens card –THAT I KNOW OF. But who knows. I’m so old and addled, and have so many prescriptions, I reasonably could have 84k worth of points. Does anyone know the status of all their loyalty programs. But it is nice that the Walgreens thinks of me from time to time. Does anyone else? Well, according to my spam friends, the Costco and the Walmart and the Southwest do. That’s nice.

Please notice that I precede the name of every retail establishment with “the.” You should also know that I’m planning on going to the Bob Evans for what I will tell myself is a late lunch, but it just happens to overlap with an early-bird dinner.

The astute reader will also notice that I still maintain an Earthlink account. I suspect I may be the last person on earth who does. Earthlink is the Werther’s Originals or email services.

Finally, my Indian spam friend put the final nail in my soon to be coffin. Apparently, I must now obvious watch the FoxNews.

I’m old now.
Thanks Obama!